The spat106 short longform #9

If only these walls could talk and they do

Early last week, all hell broke loose when there was news that an emergency meeting was to take place in Buckingham Palace. Journalists said these were meetings were very rare and because the nature of the meeting wasn’t made public straight away a lot of speculation took place. Eventually the news a few hours later was that Prince Philip was to step down from carrying out public engagements at the ripe old age of 95. However before that news was made public and no one knew anything, the rumour going around was that either the Queen or Prince Philip had died.

New Zealand reporters got the scoop first of neither Phil or Liz dying by using number 8 wire mentality of calling through to Buckingham Palace. The quote that was made in NZ media was that Buckingham Palace said that the Queen and Prince Philip are not dead. That’s pretty important that Buckingham Palace said that but the more important thing for me is wondering how a palace learnt how to talk?

So with that in mind here are ten top occasions in which inanimate objects such as building structures have spoken

1) Berlin Wall: “Arrgghh, you’re hurting me” (in German) – at the time it was being brought down

2) The Beehive: “Let be be your ruler, you can call me Queen Bee-hive” – practising its one song lyric as it anticipates reciting that when Lorde, real name Ella Yelich-O’Connor become New Zealand Prime Minister within a decade

3) Sky Tower: “I hate that people call me a needle but I suppose it’s a lot better than being called Wheedle” – this is when it throws shade at the long forgotten but short-lived auction website Wheedle which had no effect on impacting on the market share that is monopolised by the behemoth that is Trade Me.

4) Big Ben: “This is so disheartening, always having my big clock out for show.” – every hour

5) Eiffel Tower: “Man, I am such an eyeful, hahahaha, wait does this pun work in French? (in French) – back when it was erected sometime in the 19th century

6) Statue of Liberty: “I’ve been holding this scroll and this torch up in the air and man, are my arms tired.” – this saying was the inspiration of the classic I’ve been flying and boy are my arm tired gag.

7) Taj Mahal: “Why are so many Indian restaurants named after me, get some originality morons” – the answer it was given when it gave an interview with one of the world’s leading culinary magazine, Eat Me Out

8) Great Wall of China: “Am I so great? It’s a bit like Great Britain, we are really being up ourselves aren’t we? (in Mandarin) – when the wall had a moment of self-doubt and took pity on itself.

9) Leaning Tower of Pisa: “Stop bloody pretending you’re preventing me fall down, stupid tourists, what if I pretended to lean on you, you wouldn’t like it would you? Mamma mia, confetti, mom’s spaghetti.” (in Italian) – whenever a tourist takes photos with their friend pretending to hold up the tower

10) Sydney Harbour Bridge: “Oh no, yet another American tourist who thinks once they cross me that they’ll be in New Zealand. “ – self-explanatory