The spat106 short longform #4

Gareth Morgan’s week of attempting to kill cats

This week Gareth Morgan documented the ways he tried to kill some cats this week, I somehow got a hold of his diary that he unbelievably wrote all his attempts in. Please note: this concept is in no way to be confused with the Secret Diary that journalist Steve Braunias often comes up for a celebrity every so often. Also I’m guessing no one who read this is a tell-tale and will alert him to this, I beg all 3 of you.

So without further ado here is Gareth’s account, in his own words.

Day 1: I set up a Trade Me auction, Trade Me was invented by my bloody son Sam. Sam is short for Samoa. My auction was for a scratching post on a dollar reserve. I thought cats would bid for it and if I made it pick up only then once the cat came to my door. Bang. Hit it over the head with my shoe. This plan ultimately failed when I remembered that cats can’t read English and also they can’t drive a car by itself to my house. Unless the cat was accompanied by a passenger who is 25 years or older and has had a full driver’s licence for at least 2 years.

Day 2: I snuck out at night and pretended I’m a cat, hoping to met some cats and slowly gain their trust, then shazam, hit them over the head with my shoe. This also failed because I was talking to the cats but a lot of them don;t understand English. Also they figured out that my tail was actually my penis. I was crawling with my back to the ground to make it work. Some people in the neighbourhood had seen me outside naked with cats so I think they rang the cops too, so I crawled as fast as I could back home..

Day 3: I ran a campaign for my party TOP, The Opportunities Party, and said we need a cat member to join our team. Once the cat got it into a room with me for what it thought was an interview, whack, I’d hit it over the head with my shoe. The failure is that not just cats but any species including humans don’t want to join TOP so I was just in my office by myself all day.

Day 4: I had been inspired by Tom and Jerry, actually Itchy & Scratch, so I dressed like Scratchy so that a cat will think I’m an innocent mouse and chase me. Then once that cat would get near me, slap, I hit the cat over the head with my shoe. The plan failed once I end up getting trapped in a mouse trap set up by my bloody son Samoa, a mousetrap that he bought from his own website Trade Me.

Day 5: A private beach that I bought for $2 million dollars now allows the public to go on it, this was after 2 years of private use that me and my family had it for exclusively. My family includes Trade Me inventor Samoa Morgan. I hoped that some of the public would bring their pet cats to the beach and they did. So that was my time to greet the families, ask them how they’re doing and once they feel comfortable with me, smash, hit their cat over the head with my shoe. Unfortunately I remembered that I was on a beach wearing jandals so I wasn’t able to kill a cat that way. I hadn’t thought my plan all the way through.

Day 6: I waited out at the cat food aisle at the local Countdown, waiting for a cat with a trolley to come by and purchase its weekly groceries for it and its family of cats. Then when I saw that it was reaching out its paw to grasp a can of Whiskers or Purina One if it’s a rich cat, kablammo, I’d hit it over the head with my shoe. This was yet another failed attempt because just like in day one no cat had a way to drive to the supermarket by itself and then the manager of the Countdown got security to remove me as someone had reported me as being creepy. I later learnt out it was my own son Samoa, how could he? Anyway he should be buying all his groceries on his website Trade Me.

Day 7: I had enrolled in a night class that was offering to teach the language of Catalan. This would be my chance to get in that class, be surrounded by obviously a lot of cats wanting to learn their language and in their focus of being educated, ratatouille, I would hit them over the head with my shoe. I ended up bringing a whole bag of shoes that I grabbed from a local clothing bin as I knew there would be a lot of cats to hit over the head with. To my disappointment though the class was just attended by human beings, and there I was with plastic bag full of dirty shoes. The only positive from today is I’ll profit from those shoes because I’m putting them all on a dollar reserve on Trade Me, the website created by my rich son Samoa.