The spat106 short longform #26

How are we going to stop the Night King?

Having just watched the season 7 finale of Game of Thrones (spoiler alert: Game of Thrones is a television show) it gave me added interest to the first of the televised leaders debates between Jacinda Ardern and Bill English. The moderator, and one of New Zealand’s most hated men, Mike Hosking asked them many questions that were important to Kiwis such as affordable housing, taxes and some others. However the most pertinent question wasn’t asked and that was how they were going to stop the Night King and his army of the dead from taking over. A related question was how they were going to deal with Donald Trump and his request to join wars that the Americans initiated though. The Night King issue is the only issue they should be focusing on, maybe they need Willie Apiata to go out a retrieve a wight to show to Jacinda and Bill incase they don’t believe in the undead.

Some people think that the Night King and the army in the dead are meant to be a metaphor for climate change. They say that while people think of other things that may be a detriment to humans, something like climate change can cause things like extreme heatwaves and hurricane and tsunamis to happen with more regularity, these things can destroy lands and lead to fatalities. So climate change is the thing that should be of utmost importance rather than down the list of priorities as it is for many governments. This is wise people saying this and saying Night King is a metaphor for that. However I am not one of those smart people and say it is not a metaphor, I say the Night King is real so I’m am looking for a pale man with blue eyes who is really good at javelin.

So with that in mind, how will we, with no help with either Jacinda and Bill, stop the Night King? These following suggestions have nothing to do with stopping climate change, as I said earlier is not the who the Night King is a symbol of because he is in fact real and so are the White Walkers, who former mayor of Whanganui Michael Laws would refer to as the Wite Walkers.

One of the solutions is playing the song Nightshift by The Commodores on a loop on a loud public address system, this was the Commodores biggest hit after music and All Blacks legend Lionel Richie McCaw left the group to carry on with his success solo career as a flanker for the All Blacks. The trick though is to dub over the word Shift with King so then the Night King thinks the song is a celebration of himself. Although he will be a bit perplexed to the references to Marvin Gaye during the song.

Another solution is to rename the 80s American sitcom Night Court to Night King. This will lead the Night King to feel special that a show is named after him but if he actually watched it he would be truly confused as to why a show dedicated to him is solely a comedy about the legal procedures during the evenings.

One more thing to stop him taking over the world is to present a version of This is Your Life called This is Your Night King. We’ll have the same things on the former show such as hearing a voice clip from one of his long lost White Walker mates and him reuniting with them. The point of this exercise is to show he should be happy enough that he is able to bring dead things that haven’t been burnt to a crisp back to life again and world domination isn’t necessary.