The spat106 short longform  #17

A wishlist of who should be Kiwi citizens

In the news in the past week, we found out more about billionaire Peter Thiel’s New Zealand citizenship. He had spent a grand total of 12 days in Aotearoa before being granted this particular citizenship. The situation is quite poor as a lot of immigrants in the country often have to spend a lot more time just to get permanent residency and then once they get that then another long road to being a NZ citizen. This short duration of time spent by Peter Thiel in New Zealand does open up the possibility of celebrities to become Kiwis though so that means Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson who did go to Richmond Road Primary School for a few weeks in his youth should also be granted the privilege that Peter Thiel received.

Peter Thiel was described as a great ambassador for New Zealand by the minister who granted him the citizenship, Nathan Guy. This great ambassadorship included Peter not mentioning anything about him having NZ citizenship for the last few years and not promoting Lorde whenever he possibly had the opportunity.

So as well as The Rock, here is a wish list of celebrities who can also be citizens of our fine land and how their citizenship can benefit us greatly.

One could be Jason Mamoa, a lot of people think he is a Maori anyway but how cool would it be to have Khal Drogo to protect New Zealand from any imminent attack. Also he is a dead ringer for our NBA superstar Steven Adams so whenever Adams is injured Mamoa can fill in and people will be none the wiser. This will help out our favourite NBA team, the Ohakune City Thunder.

Another person who should be granted automatic citizenship is lord of the gingas, Ed Sheeran. He seems to be here all the time, if you walk down a road, you have to look at the path otherwise you’ll end up tripping over him, he’s everywhere in the country. Look into a mirror, it’s Sheeran looking back at you.

Another person to get Kiwi citizenship would be Oprah Winfrey, first she could give us all cars so we could drive in and out of the Waterview Tunnel all day. Also I can’t help but think there are nearly not enough African-American women in Aotearoa so also with her, so other people to get citizenship would be Beyoncé and Viola Davis.

We’re often sick of Australian claiming things that belong to us as belonging to them, we need to give a beloved Australian citizen New Zealand citizenship just out of spite. One that comes to mind is John Farnham, we would claim him and his unofficial Australian anthem, You’re the Voice. The Aussies would be so mad with New Zealand for taking Farnham this will be us doing the underarm incident to them. However if we can’t go through the due process of somehow granting John Farnham New Zealand citizenship all we need to do to anger Australians is replace the line “We’re not gonna sit in silence” with “We’re not gonna shit in silence.” My personal preference, if any Australians were forced to become New Zealand citizens, would be to make Savage Garden kiwi citizens so that would be Darren Hayes and the other one.