The spat106 short longform #15

America’s Cup or is it?

This is a week where both the Lions rugby team ,which represents the British Isles and Ireland, are over in NZ for a tour and also the America’s Cup rich guy’s yacht racing is happening
Within this period a match against the Māori All Blacks has been played, as has been the case for every tour the Lions have done here since 1930. But as always the same old rubbish is spouted by some quarters in that if there is a Māori team where is the caucasian only NZ team? The reason why there isn’t a caucasian only New Zealand rugby team is because all those white people who could play there are instead over in Bermuda racing for the various America’s Cup syndicates. And I know for sure that they are racing in the America’s Cup because it leads the news every night and graces the front pages of our online newspapers everyday. It is kinda ironic the term is the America’s Cup because America is slightly more racially diverse than the participants racing as part of the America’s Cup so the true America’s Cup should be the NBA, NFL and MLB. Those are the top level basketball, American football and baseball leagues respectively. They all say league but they don’t have the league which is the league that resides in our hearts, rugby league and to a lesser extent the popular PC game League of Legends.

There are some people who want to fund a documentary series to see if there was ever a brown person on an America’s Cup yacht but it’s a bit like a series seeing if anyone can find the Holy Grail or Noah’s Ark. It will need to be a very well funded series because they need technology such as infrared and radio spectrum cameras to see in fact if there was ever a non white on board. The theme song of the series would be by Dave Dobbyn, it would be called Foil. So it is exactly like his song Loyal but due to the America’s Cup yachts now being catamarans on foils this song would be more apt. Dave would not be paid for it, being able to sing the theme of a documentary series would be compensation of waiting around shed 10 to sing Loyal when Emirates Team New Zealand won the 2013 America’s Cup. They were only one race away from winning, on 8 matchpoints. They didn’t do it. I felt most sorry for Dave Dobbyn. But don’t feel so sorry for him when Foil joins the theme songs of Cheers, Friends and Malcolm in the Middle as TV’s all time greatest theme songs.

And a true America’s Cup yacht race would be the equivalent of what drag racing is on land, so it should be speed boat racing in a straight line for 10 seconds. Or maybe like a seaside version of Nascar with people going in circles for 200 laps in their speedboats with spectators shooting their guns in the air and shouting Yee hah.

So some people are interested in the America’s Cup but how could it be improved for those that don’t like sailing? One idea would be to rename it Team America’s Cup: World Police where the sailing is done by marionettes. I mean who wouldn’t want to watch sport be competed by a bunch of puppets. These includes those weirdos who refer to every sport as sportsball. Also if there is a seasick puppet they could be seen vomiting into the sea for a minute continuously and if there’s a threat to the world by North Korea, these catamarans operated by puppets can then veer off course from Bermuda to travel to North Korea in order to bring down the Kim Jong Un regime.