The spat106 short longform #11

Autocorrect is such a pain

Autocorrect can often be to the detriment of what you’re intending to say. An instance of this recently was when our current deputy Prime Minister Paula Bennett wrote a tweet that was to say Hornby Primary but instead of that it said Horny Primary. We’ve speculated it said horny because that’s a word she uses quite a lot of in her texts.
When your sexting habits starts to enter your public tweeting life then you know you are in a bit of trouble. Often she is a victim of verbal autocorrect herself because she has been called Paula Benefit on some occasions. So she should know she should be more careful in presenting her words.

Some people don’t even use autocorrect and I think a bigly example of that is America’s current and final president Donald J Trump. He probably writes down what he is about to say and then just says it exactly like he write down, unedited without any accommodation for grammatical or spelling errors.

Autocorrect can often be to your benefit and I’m not talking about Paula benefit lolz. For instance you could send a scathing email that criticises a person, yet you instantly regret sending it though. So when that person replies back with an email wondering what on earth is going on you just say oops, that was autocorrect and then send the original email, which was a email full of praise for that person. They will never know that you are lying.

Also autocorrect is often trying to convey a message, usually something sinister. For instance I like to text my girlfriend Good morning because that’s the kind of romantic I am. But instead of keeping it as morning, the phone always wants to correct it to a word I never use and that’s moribund. For those who don’t know moribund means at the point of death. Why is it suggesting that word for? Surely morning is used more commonly than the word moribund in general usage. This can only mean that the phone wants me to have more of the textual relationship with it than my girlfriend and is jealous of my connection to a human being. I will have to break off my relationship with my current phone if that’s the case, it is simply too needy. However I will shed a tear when I take out the sim from the phone and insert it deep inside of another phone.

There are those who don’t use autocorrect, shock horror! These are people in the literary world who are the equivalent of those gym goers who say,“Pain is only weakness exiting the body.” These immaculate spellers say,” Typo is only a type of blood, not A, or B but O, type O. Type O blood, not a spelling mistake.” These people are annoying, clever but annoying.

It may be a surprise to many of you but I do rely on the spelling tool on Google Docs, yes you may have either thought I was Mr Perfect and not just because you thought I looked like former professional wrestler Curt Hennig. His wrestling moniker was Mr Perfect, I wasn’t going on random tangent there. Also I look nothing like Mr Perfect because he is a dead muscly white guy whereas I’m an alive not as muscly brown guy. The other reason why you may have thought I didn’t use the spelling tool is because you saw so many errors in my previous newsletters that you thought these were just speeches that Donald Trump wrote.

I do feel sorry for the people in publications such as NZ Herald and Stuff because when they do an article about our current global music superstar Lorde they always change Lorde to Lorde real name Ella Yelich-O’Connor. That has been written so much that you start to think her full name is Lorde real name Ella Yelich-O’Connor, so no wonder she shortens it to the mononym Lorde. This is a forced autocorrect to overwrite the previous autocorrect instances for a prior global superstar with a similar name, Lord real name Jesus Christ.

The worst thing about writing this newsletter, apart from the downcast feeling I have committed myself to producing one every week, was when autocorrect tried to autocorrect into autobahn, do I look like an petrolhead, Google Docs? Do I look like I want to be the host of Top Gear like Joey Tribbiani, no I do not. If you do something like that again autocorrect then we cannot be F*R*I*E*N*D*S.