The spat106 short longform #1
Election Bribes that will be delivered in a minimum 20 years’ time.
We have had the National Party announce policies that are looking to do things that won’t actually happen until 2050, it’s good for them because that means a lot of their voter base will vote for it now but then die out by the time those policies take place and the ones that do survive all the way to 2050 will think why the hell did we ever go rodent free since ferrets and stoats are now considered part of the 6+ a day (which is the old 5+ a day of fruits and vegetables plus an additional plus one of a stoat or ferret). Rats are still filthy buggers so getting rid of them was always a great idea and they have no place on this planet…sorry a cat just walked on my keyboard, how it conveyed its thoughts about rats in a sentence while strutting along the keyboard in the standard QWERTY configuration will be forever one of mysteries belonging to cats. This is one of the reasons why Gareth Morgan wants them added to the rodent list.
Scientists will only find out that ferret and stoats are beneficial to the daily eating habits of every human being in 2045, which is too close to the 2050 deadline of eliminating rodents in New Zealand and didn’t our nation feel like idiots because whereas the rest of the world is getting to age expectancy of 200 due to the consumption of said rodents, we are stuck with importing them for consumption if we want to match the ages of the other countries. To take advantage of us not having any rodents those overseas countries will put a large mark-up on their exported rodents to profit from our stoat deficiency. However we are still the oldest people per capita, well we aren’t really but the rest of the world let us believe that so we stop depleting their country’s ferret reserves.
Also we had drowned all of the stoats and ferrets in New Zealand rivers by 2039 by using number eight wire mentality, which was strangling the stoat or ferret with a bit of number 8 wire while forcing its head below the surface of the water. It seems inhumane but since 2040 was the year that 80% of New Zealand rivers, lakes & streams had to be swimmable, we had one more year left to do some inhumane things to rodents in water so by god we took our opportunity to do so. I’m not sure if creeks have to be swimmable.
One thing to remember that it was John Key who announced that NZ would be rodent free by 2050 and when he announced his resignation in December 2016, a lot of his opponents thought that was one less rodent in Aotearoa and they had a chuckle about that. How little will they laugh in a few years when John Key meat is the most sought after rodent meat for its life lengthening attributes. He truly was the other white meat. Another thing to remember is that present New Zealand Prime Minister Bill English who announced both the superannuation age raise and swimmable river policy is known in Japanese as Biru Igirisu. Also his first name is actually Simon.
The superannuation age will be raised to 67 but that’s not until 2040, so for people born after 1972, in a bastardisation of the phrase uttered by South Park character Big Gay Al: “That’s not super, thanks for asking.” Funnily enough most people born after 1972 may not get that reference. I do because I’m old soul.
The people who you should all feel sorry for are the people who are either 65 or 66 after 2040 because you know in your mind they shouldn’t be working for another 2 years but they should be retired, relaxing at home collecting their pension and using that money towards importing some delicious rodent carcasses that will help delay their march to their inevitable death.
So in 33 years’ time we will have seen all 3 National Party policies come into fruition and also 33 new New Zealand Labour Party leaders, what a time to be alive or a time to be dead for those who have kicked the bucket that was filled with 80% swimmable water by then.
That’s the end of the first weekly newsletter, hoped you enjoyed it, next newsletter will be next Tuesday or Wednesday, which day it is will depend on my self-esteem.