Nicky Hager books to make the right wing happy
Nicky Hager is often thought to be a lefty, National Party MPs seem to hate whatever he comes up with. The most famous example of this was when former Prime Minister and the person who holds the world record of a non All Black for time spent in an All Blacks changing room, John Key, called Hager a left wing conspiracy theorist. These MPs and their associates seem to conveniently forget that Hager wrote the book Seeds of Distrust. That book was something that Prime Minister of the Labour Government at the time, Helen Clark would have wanted to snap his neck for.
So putting that aside, we now have to come up with book suggestions that will get favour with the National Party MPs because at the moment he is offside with them with the book Hit and Run. This book which he co-authoured with Jon Stephenson alleges that the NZSAS killed 6 civilians and injured 15 civilians in a couple of raids in Afghanistan back in 2010.
To appease the National Party, here are some ideas for books that Nicky Hager needs to write.
1) Pretty Legal – it’s an investigation where Nicky Hager actually travels back in time to a place where Steven Joyce starts singing Lose Yourself but then a guy rings Eminem and says, “Marshall! Marshall, it’s Marvin. Your cousin, Marvin Mathers. You know that new sound you’re looking for? Well, listen to this!”This can be used in National’s court case with Eminem that Steven Joyce was fine to use Lose Yourself in their 2014 election campaign because it was originally composed by Steven Joyce in a past parallel universe anyway. PS RIP Chuck Berry.
2) BrexiNZ – an investigation about how the British government hacked the NZ flag referendum so that the silver fern (albeit a very crappy version and not the All Blacks stylised silver fern) would never replace the Union Jack on the NZ flag. This would then lead to John Key coming out of political retirement and force a boxing bout against the Queen to decide which flag is NZ’s flag. This would be on the undercard of another NZ vs UK battle, the Joseph Parker and Hughie Fury world heavyweight boxing title fight.
3) Zip it, Sweetie – this book is less of an investigation and more just a list of insults from every language all of the corner of the earth. This book is specifically for National Party MPs to use against newly promoted Labour deputy leader Jacinda Ardern. There are a few National MPs seeing that she is fast becoming a political powerhouse so they have been attacking her verbally to take her down a notch or three. With a copy of Zip it, Sweetie on them during Question Time, bill readings and such, they just need to pull out that copy of that book to use a fresh insult they haven’t used and ultimately break Jacinda’s spirit, which is their aim.
4) Born Nicky – this is not just to appease National Party MPs but also to educate people all across the political spectrum about the proper pronunciation of his surname. This is simply one page book where it’s the lyrics of Underworld’s Born Slippy but it replaces every instance of lager with Hager. This should surely make sure that no one gets his surname wrong ever again.
All these book suggestions will make sure that the right wing will think of Hager the same way that the left wing think of Nicky, as a hero.